Contemplation of A Position

Well I haven't written anything for a bit and I told myself that I was going to make an actual attempt at keeping a  blog. It helps to gather my thoughts and try to put some things in perspective. As I write I may be pouring out feelings and ideas and later on I can sort of analyze and organize them into some kind of sense. It's so hard to make sense of my emotions and thoughts as they come. I've always been like that. I can never seem to say what I mean when I want to say it. I think too fast or too hard and it just never flows out of my mouth right. Especially when I'm around someone that I'd like to show the better side of myself to. The side that always knows what to say. It happens maybe, oh, thirty percent of the time. When it does, I think I get a little overly excited inside. Most of the time, though, I'm comfortably stuck in a hypothetical corner, listening to whatever everyone else has to say, and wondering where I fit into everything.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. An inspiration to make a move. I feel like I can see all my possible plays on the board, and I can see how most of my moves will play out but I can't help feeling that I don't know about all the rules and therefore cannot make a good move just yet. Of course waiting too long is never a good option.

I think I need passion again. Yet, passion can make you do a lot of stupid things. So, is that really what I need? I wish I didn't feel so lost most of the time. Not like a hopeless kind of lost. Just the kind where you're not sure what turn to take next. I'm only 26, but the idea of getting older and older has been on my mind a lot recently. Asking myself questions like, what do I want out of life? Do I want to get married? Do I want to sing? Do I want to cook? Do I want the proverbial American Dream? Am I even capable of doing any of these things? All I really know is that I don't want a traditional life, and I want to be happy. I don't care about the money or the package. I just want to be happy, and not feel that I wasted my time, energy, love, heart and soul on people who didn't deserve it. Because I feel like I've done that up until now, sometimes. I want stories to tell and I want to laugh more than cry and when I do cry, I want someone to listen. This is all I really know right now but it's not enough to reach any sort of destination. I'm in such an awkward phase, and I feel as though it has made me somewhat awkward with people around me, too.

The Attachment Detaches

Have you ever met someone and within a few mere moments, minutes, hours...you were completely taken by how connected you felt with them? Like for whatever reason you felt attuned with them and somehow you can relate an entire lifetime of experience with something in their words and in their voice?

I'm not talking about love at first sight or whatever. I'm talking about something else. It goes far beyond sight. It almost feels like a recognition of something great. It's hard to explain because it so rarely happens. I've often thought at very great length if what I'm trying to describe about what feels like is happening, is really happening...or if I'm just romanticizing a fleeting moment of chemical reactions in my brain.

When it all comes down to it, most people want the same thing when it comes to any kind of relationship with another human being. They want to be understood. That's generally what some of the strongest friendships and relationships are made of. You feel at ease in knowing that the person closest to you knows who you are and can understand the way you think and feel. This kind of thing can take a lot of time and work to develop, or for some very few individuals it can become an instantaneous kind of bond between both of you.

I have had this feeling...this strange, unexplained connection to four people in my entire life. One of them became my best friend Alicia. Two out of three of the times, it was obvious that the other person did not feel anything similar. Or if they did at one time, they went on to ignore or forget it. For one of them, I spent quite a long time trying to figure this thing that I felt around them out. Too long, really. I thought perhaps I was deeply in love with him and from the first moment I felt like I knew him and understood something about him that I could see many did not. I was a pretty confused  girl and my actions completely reflected that. In short I didn't know what the hell I was doing or even why I was doing it. I tried to explain it a couple of times while intoxicated and I think I probably scared or freaked him out more than anything. C'est La Vie.

Now it's happened to me again, and it just makes me nervous. At the same time, something in the back of my mind is constantly nagging at me about it. It's not real and don't be an idiot one part of me says, and the other says everything happens for a reason. Don't ignore your feelings.


Most people move on and forget whatever happened yesterday. So detached. Why am I always the one who feels so attached?

I've Seen Your Dark Side

It has been said by so many that the material world doesn't mean anything. It can't bring you true happiness. Truly, it can't. Beauty, money, possessions...it can all be lost. It can all decompose. All you truly have in the end is spirit, or consciousness.

Right now I make a living by helping other people feel and look beautiful. It's mildly fulfilling. I like making people feel better about themselves. Still it's so funny to me how people can be so concerned over such small imperfections. Though I suppose I cannot blame them for their concerns. I know all too well just how cruel some people in this world can be to you when you don't reach their expectations. Especially when it comes to physical expectations.

I grew up fat. Not like a little chubby kind of fat....more like obese fat. Growing up in emotional turmoil and insecurity surrounded by unhealthy eating habits made me prone to emotional eating and food addiction. My first memory of preschool is a little boy holding a toy shark and asking me why I was so fat. When I cried about how mean everyone was I was simply given some chocolate milk and told it was going to be alright and people suck. It was a snowball effect. By the time I was 13, I was an adult size 16. At 16 I was a size 20/22. I hated my life. I got jokes, demeaning comments and sometimes even violence from nearly all of my peers. Even the ones who sometimes said they were my friend. To top it off, I couldn't concentrate at school, so I did very poorly. I think even my teachers assumed it was because I was fat. When I became a young adult I understood that the side people showed to me wasn't always the side they showed to other people. As someone who didn't meet society's standards, I got to see some very nasty sides to a lot of people. I was very socially awkward as a result of not only being alienated but also by my sheltered upbringing so...having a winning personality wasn't exactly something I had, either. When someone was kind to me I clung on to them like a fly to flypaper, and that generally didn't go over so well in the long run.

The first time I was able to lose any weight was when I found out that my boyfriend at the time (Sorry excuse for one.) had been seeing my best friend behind my back. One of the only friends I'd ever had a real bond with. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement...I was crushed. And I knew why it happened: It was because I was fat. Because this boyfriend of mine claimed he had feelings for me because of who I was as a person, but the package I came in didn't really fit in with his standards and lifestyle. I know this because basically, he told me. I never met any of his friends, and I knew it was because he didn't want them to know he was dating a fat girl. Had I been thinner, I bet you a million dollars it wouldn't have gone down that way. This thought plagued me...and I just stopped eating. Suddenly what had usually comforted me made me sick to my stomach. Had my self-esteem been better, I would have and should have told him to fuck off a long time ago. I just wasn't there yet.

Over the years, I've lost weight and gained weight and lost it again. I've never been thinner than a size 10, and I got that low by basically starving myself. When guys started actually finding me attractive, I didn't know how to react. I'm sorry to say that I hurt some people by not being able to believe they truly loved me, and I hurt myself by hanging around guys who would only use me because I didn't know how to let someone be good to me. While I consider myself attractive now, I must admit there is always a part of me who is shocked and amazed that someone would actually want to be with me.

Nowadays, I'm about a size 12/14. A size that is the supposed average of most women in America but is still considered fat to a lot of people. Whatever...I'm the most comfortable I've ever been in my skin, but I still would like to get down to an 8. Will I be happy when and if I ever get there? Who can tell. Is it my number one priority? Right now, no it's not. Right now, I'm trying to figure out life and the things that really, truly matter. I realize that being a little thinner will not ultimately give me anything but better looks and that rush we all get when we can fit into the cloths we want. And really, how long would that last?

What I truly want is better health and happiness for my mind, body and soul. This will only come when I'm able to fully accept the idea that the standards of this world are bullshit and meaningless, and that the only things that matter are what you do. I also need to realize that I deserve to take care of myself and let someone love me for who I am...and to be able to recognize that they deserve the same from me. Maybe when this happens, everything else will fall into place.

I hope that I can achieve this. I wish that everyone could. I wish that I could help fix a person's soul, and not just their face.

Fighting The Feeling

I have long battled the feeling of inadequacy almost on a daily basis. Some days I win, some days I lose. While I understand that this is a feeling that comes up within nearly everyone, it seems to have a particularly vicious hold on my psyche due to my experiences and upbringing. It often impedes my success in work, relationships, and most especially love. I feel like I'm constantly faced with the idea that I'm not enough, and yet I have to wonder if I have subliminally created these situations because I'm broadcasting the feeling. I'm a huge believer in attraction. Ironically, I often deal with the feeling of disappointment because I can't seem to change my frequency, and therefore feel inadequate at changing something I should be able to control.

My latest struggle comes out of the recent end of my year and a half relationship, which I guess is to be expected. While we mutually parted, mostly because of my suggestion, I felt it needed to happen because I did not feel that he felt that I was the one he truly wanted. I almost felt as if he was settling for me, which is a terrible feeling. I didn't know what else to think. He would go days without saying anything to me, and often his way of talking to me was through text message when he did. In the last few months, he never seemed very happy while I was around, or maybe more like he was bored.

We had spoken about the possibility of an open relationship...a conversation I have had with more than one person I've been in a relationship with. I've never had a problem with people who had these kinds of relationships, and I'll admit I have even been curious as to how such a relationship works.

A very interesting book I once read on the subject, entitled The Ethical Slut, changed a lot of my negative perceptions on such a lifestyle. I was very curious, and contemplated actually trying it at some point. Flirted with it. I had the go ahead, I just needed to make the first move. Still, after much thought, I have often felt that it would just never work for me. I have never really had the desire to be with someone else romantically while being involved in a relationship. Even if it was just sexual. Hell, it's hard to even day dream about it. The appeal is just not there for me. Perhaps I'm just too jealous, or possessive, or traditional, or afraid of betrayal. Whatever. Maybe it's just who I am.

Unlike most people these days, I tend to become more attached to someone the longer I'm with them in both friendships and relationships. I'm fiercely loyal, even to my own detriment. I know things can get boring, stale, rough, tough and maybe even volatile...but aren't the good things worth fighting for? I guess recognizing a good thing is the hardest part.

Perhaps my biggest issue with the idea is that I know that if I had agreed to an open relationship, I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons. Because when it comes down to it, deep down to it, I would often tell myself that having an open relationship might be good because someone can't technically cheat on someone if you give them permission to be with someone else. I would think that, okay, whatever they're not getting from me, they could get from someone else, and then maybe they wouldn't leave me because I wasn't enough to make them happy. I'd be doing it for them...not for me. While putting myself in a position where I would be hurting for the sake of another has been easy for me to fall into in the past, I'm trying very hard to take care of myself better than that now. I owe this to the friends who have told me that I'm worth more than that. I thank God and The Universe for them everyday.

To be continued...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have never been able to keep up with blogging. I suppose not owning a computer contributes to that. Back in the day when I had one, I had three websites and all the blogging time in the world. For some reason, though, I felt it necessary to eliminate any evidence of past musings because I was often displeased with myself on my naive view of the world. Now, I kind of wish I had kept it around. If for no other reason than to reminisce. Though, reading over some of the past below brought up some recent memories I'd rather not think about. It's funny how just a few paragraphs from them that were about something completely different can be applied to some things I'm going through now. I'm starting to wonder if there's a cosmic lesson that I'm not getting the point of.

In many eastern religions, there is an idea that in order to become enlightened, one must detach themselves from everything around them. Material possessions, obviously...but also emotions, and the people and events that may stir them. I understand the logic behind this idea, I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to practice it. Unfortunately, I get so damned attached to everything. Alas, the more attached I am...the more it seems that I am destined to lose it. Is this my lesson? It sure is a hard one to learn. Especially when what you have lost is someone, not something.

Those who know me may think I reference the ending of my recent relationship. Yes, I guess that would be encompassed. After loving and sharing your life with someone for almost two years, and then suddenly it's over...yeah, that's hard. And it hurts. A lot. But in a lot of ways, I saw it coming. I think I may have even saw it coming before it even began. As much as it sucks, I've been through worse and so I know I will be okay. I don't regret it.

The unknown is honestly more frightening at this point. You ask yourself questions like, "Will anyone ever love me again?" "Will anyone ever cherish me as I do them?" Those are probably silly questions. Losing someone you love because you believed they did not love you as much in return is a pretty huge blow to the self-esteem, and I know it will take time to mend and not see the world as fighting against me all the time.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I was thinking about all the people I've ever been so attached to, only to lose. Friends, lovers...do I try too hard? That's what society seems to say to me. Care about no one, and you'll have all kinds of people knocking at your door. Pfft. Games! I'm not interested in playing them anymore. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately, it gets bruised easily that way. I am determined not to become bitter.

Whatever lesson you may have for me, I want to learn. My arms will stay open. My ears will hear.

What it's like for a girl

So you're young, attractive and single. You have some great friends, a great job and a pretty active social life. You're learning things as you go, and sure things happen that sting or trip you up but you've got people that have your back, and it always turns out okay in the end.

So you decide one day that you don't want to stay in the same place anymore. That you more adventure, more excitement, new faces, new places. You're confident you can made this move, and even though you're leaving close friends behind, you're sure that you can keep them close despite the distance.

Fast foward a couple of months and things become clear that they're not going to go as planned. Things are taking a down turn. You're like, that's okay. I can do this. I've done it before. So you go out and meet new people - people make you happy! You go on a couple of dates with a couple of guys, go out to different places, try to meet new friends.

Then you meet a guy who actually sparks your interest. You're not sure why; he's kind of quiet. Maybe shy? Aw. That's cute. You're pretty good at doing most of the talking though - it's been part of your job so it's not a big deal. He's a big cat person - just like you! Brownie points. You talk and text and flirt for a couple of weeks and it seems to be going great.

But your home life is not so great, and it's slowly getting worse. You find out some people who you thought were your friends - but you ended up finding that they had more than a few ulterior motives. You're apprehensive to tell anything to your friends back from where you came from because you don't want them to just say, "Aw well just come home then!" Because that's the easy way out. You don't want to take the easy way out and wake up again a year later wondering why you're still in the same place. This is just going to take a little more work.

However, not having anyone to talk to about seems to make it worse. You're not sure if anything you're doing is the right thing to do, and you won't voice all of those doubts and frustrations and little heartbreaks. But when you don't have a vent, it all seems a little worse because it's all bottled up inside. Waiting to explode.

When you talk to your friends, you tell them a few of the bad things that are going on, but you don't really make it sound as bad as it really is. You tell them about this new guy you met, how you've been going out and how cool he seems. Then they do what most women do to eachother. They ask a bunch of questions. They ask what you do together, where he's taken you, what he's like, etc. It's well intentioned but it can trigger a type of scutinization about not only what he's doing, but what you're doing.

So why do we do this? I'm not really sure but I have a few theories. A lot of young women today grew up with split up familes and mothers who perhaps went through more than one failed marriage. One of the worst side effects of growing up with a mother who has a lot of emotional baggage? You inherit it. Before you even get your first kiss, you're already wondering if you're doing anything "right". But what IS right? Some of us get the idea that right is ignoring you're feelings, or hiding them. Some of us get the idea that right is being skinny and having to diet all the time. Some of us get the idea that we have to act like men in order to make it even. (What does that even mean?) Some of us think right is being the submissive wife. Some of us think it's sleeping around. Some of us end up feeling that right...might be to be left alone. Where do we get these crazy ideas? From society. From the media. When you grew up with an unclear message about how to deal with these kind of adversities - it's easy to give in to them.

So this is easy right? JUST BE YOURSELF. Among all the bullshit you see posted on how to this, or that, what you should look like, what you should own, what you should act like, what you should know to make your "man go crazy in bed" - and then among all of this people tell you to just be yourself.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is...my life is fucked up and I'm confused as fuck. Help.

Here's to 2010.

2010. Holy. Shit. I was 15 when it 2000 came in, and I remember thinking ten years in a long time, and it kind of is...but it kind of isn't. Most of us view our lives in terms of decades (20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc) and the fact that they will just keep on coming is something that you always "know" - you just don't really realize how fast it will.

I learned a lot this past decade, and I suppose that's the way it should have been, as these are considered my defining years. I still feel, though, as I have a lot to learn. Especially when it comes to other people.

Growing up, I was always a loner, and I became used to it. In the last five years, I started becoming more social and developed some great friendships. A lot of the relationships I cultivated, though, reminded me a lot of why I was a loner in the first place. It's funny how life when you're grown up can still simulate life on the playground when you were very young. It's almost as if the same social rules still apply - they're just more complicated, and they tend to hurt more than a mere insult or a push and shove.

On the surface I may seem like I'm really good with people. In my jobs, I usually have to sell things and because I can read people's body laungage and behavior I usually am pretty sucessful at it. I can do the same in social situations - I don't come across a lot of people who don't like me, because I'm just one of those people most people become comfortable around. In a sense, I kind of 'sell' myself - but not because I'm trying to appear something I'm not, or well, I suppose in way it could be that. I'm an introvert. But you don't get to meet a lot of people being an introvert, and I love meeting people. I know how to have a good time, and laugh and have fun.

Sometimes, it becomes very hard to do all that, though.

I'm not really sure what this blog is about. I'm not really sure where I'm going with it or if it even matters. All I know is...I don't think I had something I thought I did. Silly me...when will I learn not to take someone's words as value. A statement that seems to echo throughout my life: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. And it's true. People can tell you something all they want, but if their actions are saying something else then what do those words matter? They are empty. They are useless. You can't do anything with them. They mean nothing.

Does anyone ever say what they mean, anymore? Will I spend the next ten years trying to figure that out, still? I hope not.