First, let me say that I'm very greatful to have a job. I really am. It's a nice one, too. I work as a front desk night audit person from 11pm-7am. Sounds like crazy hours but it actually suits me for right now, since I'm a night person. Plus, somehow night shifts tend to go by faster.
But holy shit this place has a lot of drama, and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting caught up in it unintentionally. I hope it dies down soon because I'm so over having drama all the time. It's been like, non stop for six months. Actually, it's probably been longer than that, but it feels so much worse lately.
For some reason, I have a knack for attracting people who have a lot of crap going on in their lives, and it inevitably spills into mine. I may be attracted to these people myself...it would make psychological sense - my parents were these kind of people. I grew up with that. I mean, I've come to realize that my mom depended on me as an emotional crutch for a long time after everything went to shit with my father, which really started before I knew how to talk because I don't remember him really being around, and when he was...it was bad. So I was target for whatever emotion came up within my mother, and that was love, anger, sadness, all of it. It was hard. She did a lot of crazy shit I know she didn't mean, but jesus. Drama. I grew up with unstable people who lashed out over stupid shit every damn day. Does this mean I'm screwed for life? Shit, I hope not. I hope that the fact that I'm willing to ask these kinds of questions of myself and determine the real underlying problems will help me get to a place where I can be calm, and secure and know myself and have a kind of confidence to where I won't buckle if shit hits the fan and turn crazy like the rest of my family. Because really, that's one of my biggest fears.
When I see someone stuck in a rut, though, I tend to want to help. I always want to help. But more often than not I get pulled in with it and is that really helping? Is it worth getting stepped on to help someone else up and then you realize...they didn't even realize that you did? I'm tired of it - but can I really stop it? Is it something I can unlearn? And how do I know when to help and when not to? I don't want to become some bitter old person who never lets anyone in or never helps anyone because 'no one is ever worth it'. That's crap.
Stuff to think about.
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