Contemplation of A Position

Well I haven't written anything for a bit and I told myself that I was going to make an actual attempt at keeping a  blog. It helps to gather my thoughts and try to put some things in perspective. As I write I may be pouring out feelings and ideas and later on I can sort of analyze and organize them into some kind of sense. It's so hard to make sense of my emotions and thoughts as they come. I've always been like that. I can never seem to say what I mean when I want to say it. I think too fast or too hard and it just never flows out of my mouth right. Especially when I'm around someone that I'd like to show the better side of myself to. The side that always knows what to say. It happens maybe, oh, thirty percent of the time. When it does, I think I get a little overly excited inside. Most of the time, though, I'm comfortably stuck in a hypothetical corner, listening to whatever everyone else has to say, and wondering where I fit into everything.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. An inspiration to make a move. I feel like I can see all my possible plays on the board, and I can see how most of my moves will play out but I can't help feeling that I don't know about all the rules and therefore cannot make a good move just yet. Of course waiting too long is never a good option.

I think I need passion again. Yet, passion can make you do a lot of stupid things. So, is that really what I need? I wish I didn't feel so lost most of the time. Not like a hopeless kind of lost. Just the kind where you're not sure what turn to take next. I'm only 26, but the idea of getting older and older has been on my mind a lot recently. Asking myself questions like, what do I want out of life? Do I want to get married? Do I want to sing? Do I want to cook? Do I want the proverbial American Dream? Am I even capable of doing any of these things? All I really know is that I don't want a traditional life, and I want to be happy. I don't care about the money or the package. I just want to be happy, and not feel that I wasted my time, energy, love, heart and soul on people who didn't deserve it. Because I feel like I've done that up until now, sometimes. I want stories to tell and I want to laugh more than cry and when I do cry, I want someone to listen. This is all I really know right now but it's not enough to reach any sort of destination. I'm in such an awkward phase, and I feel as though it has made me somewhat awkward with people around me, too.