What it's like for a girl

So you're young, attractive and single. You have some great friends, a great job and a pretty active social life. You're learning things as you go, and sure things happen that sting or trip you up but you've got people that have your back, and it always turns out okay in the end.

So you decide one day that you don't want to stay in the same place anymore. That you more adventure, more excitement, new faces, new places. You're confident you can made this move, and even though you're leaving close friends behind, you're sure that you can keep them close despite the distance.

Fast foward a couple of months and things become clear that they're not going to go as planned. Things are taking a down turn. You're like, that's okay. I can do this. I've done it before. So you go out and meet new people - people make you happy! You go on a couple of dates with a couple of guys, go out to different places, try to meet new friends.

Then you meet a guy who actually sparks your interest. You're not sure why; he's kind of quiet. Maybe shy? Aw. That's cute. You're pretty good at doing most of the talking though - it's been part of your job so it's not a big deal. He's a big cat person - just like you! Brownie points. You talk and text and flirt for a couple of weeks and it seems to be going great.

But your home life is not so great, and it's slowly getting worse. You find out some people who you thought were your friends - but you ended up finding that they had more than a few ulterior motives. You're apprehensive to tell anything to your friends back from where you came from because you don't want them to just say, "Aw well just come home then!" Because that's the easy way out. You don't want to take the easy way out and wake up again a year later wondering why you're still in the same place. This is just going to take a little more work.

However, not having anyone to talk to about seems to make it worse. You're not sure if anything you're doing is the right thing to do, and you won't voice all of those doubts and frustrations and little heartbreaks. But when you don't have a vent, it all seems a little worse because it's all bottled up inside. Waiting to explode.

When you talk to your friends, you tell them a few of the bad things that are going on, but you don't really make it sound as bad as it really is. You tell them about this new guy you met, how you've been going out and how cool he seems. Then they do what most women do to eachother. They ask a bunch of questions. They ask what you do together, where he's taken you, what he's like, etc. It's well intentioned but it can trigger a type of scutinization about not only what he's doing, but what you're doing.

So why do we do this? I'm not really sure but I have a few theories. A lot of young women today grew up with split up familes and mothers who perhaps went through more than one failed marriage. One of the worst side effects of growing up with a mother who has a lot of emotional baggage? You inherit it. Before you even get your first kiss, you're already wondering if you're doing anything "right". But what IS right? Some of us get the idea that right is ignoring you're feelings, or hiding them. Some of us get the idea that right is being skinny and having to diet all the time. Some of us get the idea that we have to act like men in order to make it even. (What does that even mean?) Some of us think right is being the submissive wife. Some of us think it's sleeping around. Some of us end up feeling that right...might be to be left alone. Where do we get these crazy ideas? From society. From the media. When you grew up with an unclear message about how to deal with these kind of adversities - it's easy to give in to them.

So this is easy right? JUST BE YOURSELF. Among all the bullshit you see posted on how to this, or that, what you should look like, what you should own, what you should act like, what you should know to make your "man go crazy in bed" - and then among all of this people tell you to just be yourself.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is...my life is fucked up and I'm confused as fuck. Help.

Here's to 2010.

2010. Holy. Shit. I was 15 when it 2000 came in, and I remember thinking ten years in a long time, and it kind of is...but it kind of isn't. Most of us view our lives in terms of decades (20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc) and the fact that they will just keep on coming is something that you always "know" - you just don't really realize how fast it will.

I learned a lot this past decade, and I suppose that's the way it should have been, as these are considered my defining years. I still feel, though, as I have a lot to learn. Especially when it comes to other people.

Growing up, I was always a loner, and I became used to it. In the last five years, I started becoming more social and developed some great friendships. A lot of the relationships I cultivated, though, reminded me a lot of why I was a loner in the first place. It's funny how life when you're grown up can still simulate life on the playground when you were very young. It's almost as if the same social rules still apply - they're just more complicated, and they tend to hurt more than a mere insult or a push and shove.

On the surface I may seem like I'm really good with people. In my jobs, I usually have to sell things and because I can read people's body laungage and behavior I usually am pretty sucessful at it. I can do the same in social situations - I don't come across a lot of people who don't like me, because I'm just one of those people most people become comfortable around. In a sense, I kind of 'sell' myself - but not because I'm trying to appear something I'm not, or well, I suppose in way it could be that. I'm an introvert. But you don't get to meet a lot of people being an introvert, and I love meeting people. I know how to have a good time, and laugh and have fun.

Sometimes, it becomes very hard to do all that, though.

I'm not really sure what this blog is about. I'm not really sure where I'm going with it or if it even matters. All I know is...I don't think I had something I thought I did. Silly me...when will I learn not to take someone's words as value. A statement that seems to echo throughout my life: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. And it's true. People can tell you something all they want, but if their actions are saying something else then what do those words matter? They are empty. They are useless. You can't do anything with them. They mean nothing.

Does anyone ever say what they mean, anymore? Will I spend the next ten years trying to figure that out, still? I hope not.