Drink Me

I think I would like to be in love again.

Why the hell would I want that? I don't know. I must be daffed. It's been a little over four years since my last relationship, and even then, it wasn't much of a real one.

But it really hasn't been that long since I was in love. Indeed, I believe I still am a little in love and may very well always be with the person that I"m thinking of. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him and while I'm very aware that notion is filled with cheesy, exaggerated romanticism - I do mean every word. However, no matter how stubborn and obstinate I was with the universe; it just wasn't meant to be, you know? And I don't want that again.

I seem to be intent on approaching love next time it hits me with a very strategical, sensible manner...but being in love is never any of those things, so...am I talking about being in love? Really? It's a scary thing. I guess in the simplest definition I can give, what I really want is companionship. Tired of waking up alone sort of thing. I'm so used to it, though. I'm used to the independence. And if you know me on a deeper level than face value at all, you would know that I'm very reluctant to give that up.
There's also very few people out there who truly speak my language, who I'm able to truly communicate to. At least, that has been my experience thus far. Those I have come to be able to communicate with are always good friends - people I can't really see myself sharing a romantic connection with. Even if I tried.

I also seem to have issues with the idea of someone actually loving me, and even letting them love me. I've come to this conclusion through the observations of friends and experiences I've had. It kind of makes things more difficult when you have those sorts of issues. They can be rooted in self-esteem, upbringing, experience...all three, perhaps? I can feel myself fight with it...all the time.

Sometimes, I just want to be in someone's arms and to have someone to hold in mine. Sometimes, I just want it to be that simple. But things like these are never simple. I wish they could be. :-/

Down The Rabbit Hole?

Here I am.
Sitting at a desk writing on a net book and sitting in the living room of what is my new home. Listening to music by an artist I'm beginning to really like; Hanne Hukkelburg.
It's almost 2am and I'm wide awake, yet very tired. It's been a rough, emotional week. Moving from Fort Worth where I have been for the past four years. Leaving behind people I truly care about and love - but knowing now that I have left I probably won't speak very much to, if at all again. Friendships that are very dear to me have been trialed and tested, as well. That's always hard.

Change is usually very difficult, though, even when welcomed. Fort Worth was a town that, for me, was filled with some very hard lessons. Good lessons, but hard ones. I found a lot of who I was there because I met a lot of people who caused me to question the very foundations I had lived so much of my life on.

I'm now wondering...what will Austin bring to me? While I was able to stretch my wings in Fort Worth (a.k.a Funky Town, as it was known to a lot of people in the music scene over there) I hope it is here that I will really be able to fly. I'm nervous, to be sure...but still very hopeful and determined. I have decided that I do not want to me one of those people who are always asking "What if?", or someone who too afraid of disappointment to try and do the things her heart has been dreaming of since childhood. No. While I may not necessarily believe this is my only life, this is the only one I will have as the person I am now. I might as well make it count.

Flooded with memories from my old life, I will forge on and make new ones.

Austin, here I am.