Yay, songwriting is coming forth! Here's a snippet of one I've been working on. It's not as intense as the lyrics make it sound. I'm thinking it should be soft, kind of melancholy but with a beat that almost makes it sound optimistic, too.

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I know you're leaving
I know you're already gone
I hope you find the things inside you
To help you find where you belong
It's never easy to say goodbye
It's never easy to hold back tears
When you want to cry
I won't lie
It's not been long
For every path we choose to walk
There's always a reason
Maybe you were here to remind me
They're not all bad
Maybe I'm a little extra encouragement
To keep you safe until you get back
So here's a prayer for you to keep you safe on your journey
You've chosen to live your life, I hope you enjoy learning

What's the point?

*sigh*

Frustration. Frustration is what I'm feeling now. Not anger, but maybe sadness, and just sheer frustration.

In all my years I have been an avid animal lover. I always believed that they were as sentinent and aware as we are, even if they are governed by a different set of instincts than we are. They feel pain and pleasure just as we do, they fight to keep themselves alive and preserve their future generations as we do, and yes, I do believe they are most definitely capable of love. Anyone who has allowed themselves to become close to a pet should know this...and anyone who has been around animals all their lives can tell that they are all different, with different personalities, and quirks that are just as varied as humans.

Animals have protected us, loved us, followed us, even died for us...what is it that we give them in return?

For so many years, I ignored what so many people continue to ignore today. Although I was an animal lover, I never stopped and thought about the practices that lead so many of them to unecessisary suffering and death. I thought somehow that the animals we eat and use for clothing must somehow be different, and I wouldn't be able to tell you when I came up with this conclusion, only that, that's what seemed to be implied...so that's what I went with. I never questioned the practice of eating cows, pigs, or chickens because if so many people did it, what could be wrong with it? Surely, there's a good reason. Surely, it's some kind of population control, or something equally sensible.

And what about wool, leather and fur? Even though I had always been against fur, what is really the difference between that and leather? And sheep don't get killed for wool...so it's like harvesting something! It's good for them to be sheared! They must like it!

Then one day, for some reason or another, I began to question these practices. I began to question...what is the difference between an animal used for consumption, and the animal that I love and take care of who is living in my house in my bed; one of the lucky few who will get to spend their lives wrapped in kindness while others are left wondering what they did wrong or what they did to deserve what's been brought upon them. What is the difference?

Are they less deserving of a life well lived because they cannot speak like we do, or look like we do, or walk like we do? We are somehow better than they are because we are so much smarter...smarter because they could never do the things we do? But how much of what they do, do we not even understand? Or could ever do...

I ask you this, what does this mindset remind you of? Has this very mindset not given birth to some of the greatest tragedies that befell humankind? Slavery...the halocaust...genocide?
What if our lack of respect to one life form...leads to lack of respect for all?

I saw a little dog almost get run over today, and chances are if no one does anything he will be dead by the end of the night. I wanted so desperately to go back and help him, and hinted at it but I knew the person I was riding with wouldn't even entertain the idea...and why is that? Would it be such an inconveinence to make a difference in helpless little beings life?

I've been trying to find someone to go to a fur protest with me, but no one is willing to speak out about something that would make someone uncomfortable. Surely, the animal who is skinned alive and left to bleed to death has more discomfort than most of us will ever know - yet we can't muster the ability to speak out against it.

Frustration.

I feel like I'm on TNT, because I know DRAMA.

First, let me say that I'm very greatful to have a job. I really am. It's a nice one, too. I work as a front desk night audit person from 11pm-7am. Sounds like crazy hours but it actually suits me for right now, since I'm a night person. Plus, somehow night shifts tend to go by faster.

But holy shit this place has a lot of drama, and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting caught up in it unintentionally. I hope it dies down soon because I'm so over having drama all the time. It's been like, non stop for six months. Actually, it's probably been longer than that, but it feels so much worse lately.

For some reason, I have a knack for attracting people who have a lot of crap going on in their lives, and it inevitably spills into mine. I may be attracted to these people myself...it would make psychological sense - my parents were these kind of people. I grew up with that. I mean, I've come to realize that my mom depended on me as an emotional crutch for a long time after everything went to shit with my father, which really started before I knew how to talk because I don't remember him really being around, and when he was...it was bad. So I was target for whatever emotion came up within my mother, and that was love, anger, sadness, all of it. It was hard. She did a lot of crazy shit I know she didn't mean, but jesus. Drama. I grew up with unstable people who lashed out over stupid shit every damn day. Does this mean I'm screwed for life? Shit, I hope not. I hope that the fact that I'm willing to ask these kinds of questions of myself and determine the real underlying problems will help me get to a place where I can be calm, and secure and know myself and have a kind of confidence to where I won't buckle if shit hits the fan and turn crazy like the rest of my family. Because really, that's one of my biggest fears.

When I see someone stuck in a rut, though, I tend to want to help. I always want to help. But more often than not I get pulled in with it and is that really helping? Is it worth getting stepped on to help someone else up and then you realize...they didn't even realize that you did? I'm tired of it - but can I really stop it? Is it something I can unlearn? And how do I know when to help and when not to? I don't want to become some bitter old person who never lets anyone in or never helps anyone because 'no one is ever worth it'. That's crap.

Stuff to think about.

Must...go...raw....can't...eat...crap...any...more...

Can I just say I can't *WAIT* to get paid. This will be the first check from my new full time job so yay for real money. I've been eating crap pretty much this whole month, because I've been poor AND stressed as shit. I've even been eating some things with dairy in them because I'm absolutely broke and that's what's around. I've felt shit-tastic all week because of it. Headachey, tired, stomach feels BLEH. This shit is poison!

*ahem* But I'm thankful that I'm not starving so, yeah.

But as soon as I get paid, I'm wanting to go on an all-raw detox for a week. Eventually, when I have the money to buy a dehydrator and decent blender, I want to go raw for a couple of months during the Summer. I think it would be super good for me, because even though I've been eating vegan for a year now - that doesn't mean it's all healthy stuff. I need to lose some serious weight, too. Yeah, I'm not as big as I used to be, but...I'm still fat. And if you think I'm cute now, just think what I would look like 30 to 40lbs lighter. Jesus, I could take over the world!

Haha. I'm just kidding. I'm not that conceited, I promise. I just want to be healthy, bitches. For real.

Peace in the middle east ya'll. Love ya :)

So...there's this boy.

This shit is long. Grab a drink and have a seat my friend...

I know I fail hardcore at keeping a blog. I haven't posted since October. I like having one, but I'm not really into posting about my everday life because God knows it's so not that exciting. It has it's days I guess.

A LOT has happened since my last blog. The situation with the room mates that I had when I first moved down here completely fell apart, for personal and non personal reasons. I've been so stressed out, I'm sure I sprouted some grey hairs over the whole thing. For awhile I really thought I was going to have to move back to Dallas with my mother, because all I had found was a little part time job and with both my room mates having lost their jobs, it looked a little grim. I ended up cutting off communication to a lot of the acquaintances I had made because I was sure I was going to go back.

Except for one. But I'll get to that in a minute. :)

I'm someone who truly believes everything happens for a reason, and just as shit was hitting the fan, an old friend of mine from way back when that I went to a privite school in Lewisville, Texas popped up on facebook. It turned out she had just moved down here! We got together and when I told her what was up, she told me she was hiring for a full time job at the hotel she managed. I ended up getting it, and now I'm staying with her til I get my own place which will hopefully be very soon. I'm so blessed to have her as a friend!

*Ahem* Anyhoo. The title of this blog is "So...there's this boy." So let me get to that.

Right after Halloween I started talking to a guy named Erik. We met online (yeah, yeah...I know. I don't KNOW anyone here so give me an eff'n break.) Turns out, he loves cats just as much as I do (His cat looks like the male version of my baby! How cool is that? I think it's cool. And do you know how hard it is to find a guy who will even admit he loves cats? It's LAME. Real men love cats. :P) and he's really nice to be around because he's so laid back, funny and sweet.

I'm really bad at the dating thing, because it takes me awhile to truly open up to someone - especially when I like them. I don't know how that works, but that's how it seems to with me. So I'll admit, I'm a little nervous about that. I don't want him to think I'm boring. Cause you all know I'm crazy. :) With this, I'm really trying not to over think about anything and just let what happens happen. You know, be chill. And that's why I like being around him, cause we're just chillin' out. Watching movies. Playing with the cat. Oh yeah.

I like him. He's totally adorable. You know, in a sexy manly way. ;)

Cooking vegan is fun! :D

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Originally uploaded by Christina Blue

I made vegetable enchiladas with tofu sour cream sauce tonight. It was my own recipe and I'm really happy how they turned out. I'll probably make a couple of variations before I write down the actual recipe. I'm thinking about doing a vegan food blog since I cook practically every night. Thing is, I usually make other people's recipes, and I don't know if I should blog about that. :P Oh well. I will think about it more...

I <3 My Cat

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Originally uploaded by Christina Blue

My cat is my baby. It's ridiculous how close we are to each other. That's right, my cat loves me just as much as I do her. When I'm gone for a long time, she's so happy to see me. Licks me, lays on me, practically hugs me and talks to me. I always miss her a lot, too. Like so much I get teary eyed when I think about her. We've become close in a relatively short period of time, since I've only had her for about six months now. I remember the day she decided to love me. She cuddled herself on top of my chest as I was laying down, nuzzled one side of her face on me and looked up with this little look like, "I'm so glad that you are mine and I am yours."

I rescued her from being abandoned or taken to the local animal shelter when I lived in Fort Worth from a man that was being forced by his ex-wife to get ride of her because she was causing problems with her son's allergies when he went to visit his father. He didn't make any real effort to find a new home for her, and I just so happened to work with his ex-wife. She one day asked me if I wanted a cat, and at the time I didn't think I could handle one because I had just recently lost my other cat, Sebastien. But I felt a tug at my conscience when she told me she was going to just have her dropped somewhere - this poor thing would have no warning. A nice warm home one day, and out on the streets the next. I agreed to take her.

She was so afraid when she came to me. She never fought me off - she was just a scared little blob when I pulled her our of the cage. When the people who brought her left, I kept her in my arms for about an hour telling her everything would be fine and she would be well taken care of...and that I would never just get ride of her one day.

And I never would. We're buddies til the end.

"Goodbye Funkytown", or "I Suck At Keeping A Blog"

Today I closed up my apartment in Fort Worth and returned my keys to the office. I'm no longer in limbo. Round Rock is my only home now.
It was a little sad to leave my first apartment. I've been there for the last three years. I had some pretty good times there, along with some bad ones, too. Those walls witnessed the biggest spiritual growth spurt of my life thus far.
Being in a new town, starting over again...it's exciting. I feel I have a blank canvas. I feel like I can go out and choose the colors knowing that this time, I know a little more of what I'm doing. Still, I'm a little nervous. I'm not quite sure what will come of it. I've never been one to be comfortable about 'not being sure' because I was raised to make sure that I always was. However, that way just doesn't work for me. It never has, not really.

I'm in such an odd situation at the moment, and I suppose I could tell the details of it but it doesn't seem to matter that much. It's not my focus; my music is my focus. On Monday, if all goes well, I'm going to see someone about singing for their band. A neo-soul type project. I hope it goes well.

Well, until my next blog, kids. Hopefully it won't be an entire month away - this sort of thing is good for me. Helps collect my thoughts.

Drink Me

I think I would like to be in love again.

Why the hell would I want that? I don't know. I must be daffed. It's been a little over four years since my last relationship, and even then, it wasn't much of a real one.

But it really hasn't been that long since I was in love. Indeed, I believe I still am a little in love and may very well always be with the person that I"m thinking of. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him and while I'm very aware that notion is filled with cheesy, exaggerated romanticism - I do mean every word. However, no matter how stubborn and obstinate I was with the universe; it just wasn't meant to be, you know? And I don't want that again.

I seem to be intent on approaching love next time it hits me with a very strategical, sensible manner...but being in love is never any of those things, so...am I talking about being in love? Really? It's a scary thing. I guess in the simplest definition I can give, what I really want is companionship. Tired of waking up alone sort of thing. I'm so used to it, though. I'm used to the independence. And if you know me on a deeper level than face value at all, you would know that I'm very reluctant to give that up.
There's also very few people out there who truly speak my language, who I'm able to truly communicate to. At least, that has been my experience thus far. Those I have come to be able to communicate with are always good friends - people I can't really see myself sharing a romantic connection with. Even if I tried.

I also seem to have issues with the idea of someone actually loving me, and even letting them love me. I've come to this conclusion through the observations of friends and experiences I've had. It kind of makes things more difficult when you have those sorts of issues. They can be rooted in self-esteem, upbringing, experience...all three, perhaps? I can feel myself fight with it...all the time.

Sometimes, I just want to be in someone's arms and to have someone to hold in mine. Sometimes, I just want it to be that simple. But things like these are never simple. I wish they could be. :-/

Down The Rabbit Hole?

Here I am.
Sitting at a desk writing on a net book and sitting in the living room of what is my new home. Listening to music by an artist I'm beginning to really like; Hanne Hukkelburg.
It's almost 2am and I'm wide awake, yet very tired. It's been a rough, emotional week. Moving from Fort Worth where I have been for the past four years. Leaving behind people I truly care about and love - but knowing now that I have left I probably won't speak very much to, if at all again. Friendships that are very dear to me have been trialed and tested, as well. That's always hard.

Change is usually very difficult, though, even when welcomed. Fort Worth was a town that, for me, was filled with some very hard lessons. Good lessons, but hard ones. I found a lot of who I was there because I met a lot of people who caused me to question the very foundations I had lived so much of my life on.

I'm now wondering...what will Austin bring to me? While I was able to stretch my wings in Fort Worth (a.k.a Funky Town, as it was known to a lot of people in the music scene over there) I hope it is here that I will really be able to fly. I'm nervous, to be sure...but still very hopeful and determined. I have decided that I do not want to me one of those people who are always asking "What if?", or someone who too afraid of disappointment to try and do the things her heart has been dreaming of since childhood. No. While I may not necessarily believe this is my only life, this is the only one I will have as the person I am now. I might as well make it count.

Flooded with memories from my old life, I will forge on and make new ones.

Austin, here I am.