A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have never been able to keep up with blogging. I suppose not owning a computer contributes to that. Back in the day when I had one, I had three websites and all the blogging time in the world. For some reason, though, I felt it necessary to eliminate any evidence of past musings because I was often displeased with myself on my naive view of the world. Now, I kind of wish I had kept it around. If for no other reason than to reminisce. Though, reading over some of the past below brought up some recent memories I'd rather not think about. It's funny how just a few paragraphs from them that were about something completely different can be applied to some things I'm going through now. I'm starting to wonder if there's a cosmic lesson that I'm not getting the point of.

In many eastern religions, there is an idea that in order to become enlightened, one must detach themselves from everything around them. Material possessions, obviously...but also emotions, and the people and events that may stir them. I understand the logic behind this idea, I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to practice it. Unfortunately, I get so damned attached to everything. Alas, the more attached I am...the more it seems that I am destined to lose it. Is this my lesson? It sure is a hard one to learn. Especially when what you have lost is someone, not something.

Those who know me may think I reference the ending of my recent relationship. Yes, I guess that would be encompassed. After loving and sharing your life with someone for almost two years, and then suddenly it's over...yeah, that's hard. And it hurts. A lot. But in a lot of ways, I saw it coming. I think I may have even saw it coming before it even began. As much as it sucks, I've been through worse and so I know I will be okay. I don't regret it.

The unknown is honestly more frightening at this point. You ask yourself questions like, "Will anyone ever love me again?" "Will anyone ever cherish me as I do them?" Those are probably silly questions. Losing someone you love because you believed they did not love you as much in return is a pretty huge blow to the self-esteem, and I know it will take time to mend and not see the world as fighting against me all the time.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I was thinking about all the people I've ever been so attached to, only to lose. Friends, lovers...do I try too hard? That's what society seems to say to me. Care about no one, and you'll have all kinds of people knocking at your door. Pfft. Games! I'm not interested in playing them anymore. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately, it gets bruised easily that way. I am determined not to become bitter.

Whatever lesson you may have for me, I want to learn. My arms will stay open. My ears will hear.