Contemplation of A Position

Well I haven't written anything for a bit and I told myself that I was going to make an actual attempt at keeping a  blog. It helps to gather my thoughts and try to put some things in perspective. As I write I may be pouring out feelings and ideas and later on I can sort of analyze and organize them into some kind of sense. It's so hard to make sense of my emotions and thoughts as they come. I've always been like that. I can never seem to say what I mean when I want to say it. I think too fast or too hard and it just never flows out of my mouth right. Especially when I'm around someone that I'd like to show the better side of myself to. The side that always knows what to say. It happens maybe, oh, thirty percent of the time. When it does, I think I get a little overly excited inside. Most of the time, though, I'm comfortably stuck in a hypothetical corner, listening to whatever everyone else has to say, and wondering where I fit into everything.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. An inspiration to make a move. I feel like I can see all my possible plays on the board, and I can see how most of my moves will play out but I can't help feeling that I don't know about all the rules and therefore cannot make a good move just yet. Of course waiting too long is never a good option.

I think I need passion again. Yet, passion can make you do a lot of stupid things. So, is that really what I need? I wish I didn't feel so lost most of the time. Not like a hopeless kind of lost. Just the kind where you're not sure what turn to take next. I'm only 26, but the idea of getting older and older has been on my mind a lot recently. Asking myself questions like, what do I want out of life? Do I want to get married? Do I want to sing? Do I want to cook? Do I want the proverbial American Dream? Am I even capable of doing any of these things? All I really know is that I don't want a traditional life, and I want to be happy. I don't care about the money or the package. I just want to be happy, and not feel that I wasted my time, energy, love, heart and soul on people who didn't deserve it. Because I feel like I've done that up until now, sometimes. I want stories to tell and I want to laugh more than cry and when I do cry, I want someone to listen. This is all I really know right now but it's not enough to reach any sort of destination. I'm in such an awkward phase, and I feel as though it has made me somewhat awkward with people around me, too.

The Attachment Detaches

Have you ever met someone and within a few mere moments, minutes, hours...you were completely taken by how connected you felt with them? Like for whatever reason you felt attuned with them and somehow you can relate an entire lifetime of experience with something in their words and in their voice?

I'm not talking about love at first sight or whatever. I'm talking about something else. It goes far beyond sight. It almost feels like a recognition of something great. It's hard to explain because it so rarely happens. I've often thought at very great length if what I'm trying to describe about what feels like is happening, is really happening...or if I'm just romanticizing a fleeting moment of chemical reactions in my brain.

When it all comes down to it, most people want the same thing when it comes to any kind of relationship with another human being. They want to be understood. That's generally what some of the strongest friendships and relationships are made of. You feel at ease in knowing that the person closest to you knows who you are and can understand the way you think and feel. This kind of thing can take a lot of time and work to develop, or for some very few individuals it can become an instantaneous kind of bond between both of you.

I have had this feeling...this strange, unexplained connection to four people in my entire life. One of them became my best friend Alicia. Two out of three of the times, it was obvious that the other person did not feel anything similar. Or if they did at one time, they went on to ignore or forget it. For one of them, I spent quite a long time trying to figure this thing that I felt around them out. Too long, really. I thought perhaps I was deeply in love with him and from the first moment I felt like I knew him and understood something about him that I could see many did not. I was a pretty confused  girl and my actions completely reflected that. In short I didn't know what the hell I was doing or even why I was doing it. I tried to explain it a couple of times while intoxicated and I think I probably scared or freaked him out more than anything. C'est La Vie.

Now it's happened to me again, and it just makes me nervous. At the same time, something in the back of my mind is constantly nagging at me about it. It's not real and don't be an idiot one part of me says, and the other says everything happens for a reason. Don't ignore your feelings.


Most people move on and forget whatever happened yesterday. So detached. Why am I always the one who feels so attached?

I've Seen Your Dark Side

It has been said by so many that the material world doesn't mean anything. It can't bring you true happiness. Truly, it can't. Beauty, money, possessions...it can all be lost. It can all decompose. All you truly have in the end is spirit, or consciousness.

Right now I make a living by helping other people feel and look beautiful. It's mildly fulfilling. I like making people feel better about themselves. Still it's so funny to me how people can be so concerned over such small imperfections. Though I suppose I cannot blame them for their concerns. I know all too well just how cruel some people in this world can be to you when you don't reach their expectations. Especially when it comes to physical expectations.

I grew up fat. Not like a little chubby kind of fat....more like obese fat. Growing up in emotional turmoil and insecurity surrounded by unhealthy eating habits made me prone to emotional eating and food addiction. My first memory of preschool is a little boy holding a toy shark and asking me why I was so fat. When I cried about how mean everyone was I was simply given some chocolate milk and told it was going to be alright and people suck. It was a snowball effect. By the time I was 13, I was an adult size 16. At 16 I was a size 20/22. I hated my life. I got jokes, demeaning comments and sometimes even violence from nearly all of my peers. Even the ones who sometimes said they were my friend. To top it off, I couldn't concentrate at school, so I did very poorly. I think even my teachers assumed it was because I was fat. When I became a young adult I understood that the side people showed to me wasn't always the side they showed to other people. As someone who didn't meet society's standards, I got to see some very nasty sides to a lot of people. I was very socially awkward as a result of not only being alienated but also by my sheltered upbringing so...having a winning personality wasn't exactly something I had, either. When someone was kind to me I clung on to them like a fly to flypaper, and that generally didn't go over so well in the long run.

The first time I was able to lose any weight was when I found out that my boyfriend at the time (Sorry excuse for one.) had been seeing my best friend behind my back. One of the only friends I'd ever had a real bond with. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement...I was crushed. And I knew why it happened: It was because I was fat. Because this boyfriend of mine claimed he had feelings for me because of who I was as a person, but the package I came in didn't really fit in with his standards and lifestyle. I know this because basically, he told me. I never met any of his friends, and I knew it was because he didn't want them to know he was dating a fat girl. Had I been thinner, I bet you a million dollars it wouldn't have gone down that way. This thought plagued me...and I just stopped eating. Suddenly what had usually comforted me made me sick to my stomach. Had my self-esteem been better, I would have and should have told him to fuck off a long time ago. I just wasn't there yet.

Over the years, I've lost weight and gained weight and lost it again. I've never been thinner than a size 10, and I got that low by basically starving myself. When guys started actually finding me attractive, I didn't know how to react. I'm sorry to say that I hurt some people by not being able to believe they truly loved me, and I hurt myself by hanging around guys who would only use me because I didn't know how to let someone be good to me. While I consider myself attractive now, I must admit there is always a part of me who is shocked and amazed that someone would actually want to be with me.

Nowadays, I'm about a size 12/14. A size that is the supposed average of most women in America but is still considered fat to a lot of people. Whatever...I'm the most comfortable I've ever been in my skin, but I still would like to get down to an 8. Will I be happy when and if I ever get there? Who can tell. Is it my number one priority? Right now, no it's not. Right now, I'm trying to figure out life and the things that really, truly matter. I realize that being a little thinner will not ultimately give me anything but better looks and that rush we all get when we can fit into the cloths we want. And really, how long would that last?

What I truly want is better health and happiness for my mind, body and soul. This will only come when I'm able to fully accept the idea that the standards of this world are bullshit and meaningless, and that the only things that matter are what you do. I also need to realize that I deserve to take care of myself and let someone love me for who I am...and to be able to recognize that they deserve the same from me. Maybe when this happens, everything else will fall into place.

I hope that I can achieve this. I wish that everyone could. I wish that I could help fix a person's soul, and not just their face.

Fighting The Feeling

I have long battled the feeling of inadequacy almost on a daily basis. Some days I win, some days I lose. While I understand that this is a feeling that comes up within nearly everyone, it seems to have a particularly vicious hold on my psyche due to my experiences and upbringing. It often impedes my success in work, relationships, and most especially love. I feel like I'm constantly faced with the idea that I'm not enough, and yet I have to wonder if I have subliminally created these situations because I'm broadcasting the feeling. I'm a huge believer in attraction. Ironically, I often deal with the feeling of disappointment because I can't seem to change my frequency, and therefore feel inadequate at changing something I should be able to control.

My latest struggle comes out of the recent end of my year and a half relationship, which I guess is to be expected. While we mutually parted, mostly because of my suggestion, I felt it needed to happen because I did not feel that he felt that I was the one he truly wanted. I almost felt as if he was settling for me, which is a terrible feeling. I didn't know what else to think. He would go days without saying anything to me, and often his way of talking to me was through text message when he did. In the last few months, he never seemed very happy while I was around, or maybe more like he was bored.

We had spoken about the possibility of an open relationship...a conversation I have had with more than one person I've been in a relationship with. I've never had a problem with people who had these kinds of relationships, and I'll admit I have even been curious as to how such a relationship works.

A very interesting book I once read on the subject, entitled The Ethical Slut, changed a lot of my negative perceptions on such a lifestyle. I was very curious, and contemplated actually trying it at some point. Flirted with it. I had the go ahead, I just needed to make the first move. Still, after much thought, I have often felt that it would just never work for me. I have never really had the desire to be with someone else romantically while being involved in a relationship. Even if it was just sexual. Hell, it's hard to even day dream about it. The appeal is just not there for me. Perhaps I'm just too jealous, or possessive, or traditional, or afraid of betrayal. Whatever. Maybe it's just who I am.

Unlike most people these days, I tend to become more attached to someone the longer I'm with them in both friendships and relationships. I'm fiercely loyal, even to my own detriment. I know things can get boring, stale, rough, tough and maybe even volatile...but aren't the good things worth fighting for? I guess recognizing a good thing is the hardest part.

Perhaps my biggest issue with the idea is that I know that if I had agreed to an open relationship, I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons. Because when it comes down to it, deep down to it, I would often tell myself that having an open relationship might be good because someone can't technically cheat on someone if you give them permission to be with someone else. I would think that, okay, whatever they're not getting from me, they could get from someone else, and then maybe they wouldn't leave me because I wasn't enough to make them happy. I'd be doing it for them...not for me. While putting myself in a position where I would be hurting for the sake of another has been easy for me to fall into in the past, I'm trying very hard to take care of myself better than that now. I owe this to the friends who have told me that I'm worth more than that. I thank God and The Universe for them everyday.

To be continued...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have never been able to keep up with blogging. I suppose not owning a computer contributes to that. Back in the day when I had one, I had three websites and all the blogging time in the world. For some reason, though, I felt it necessary to eliminate any evidence of past musings because I was often displeased with myself on my naive view of the world. Now, I kind of wish I had kept it around. If for no other reason than to reminisce. Though, reading over some of the past below brought up some recent memories I'd rather not think about. It's funny how just a few paragraphs from them that were about something completely different can be applied to some things I'm going through now. I'm starting to wonder if there's a cosmic lesson that I'm not getting the point of.

In many eastern religions, there is an idea that in order to become enlightened, one must detach themselves from everything around them. Material possessions, obviously...but also emotions, and the people and events that may stir them. I understand the logic behind this idea, I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to practice it. Unfortunately, I get so damned attached to everything. Alas, the more attached I am...the more it seems that I am destined to lose it. Is this my lesson? It sure is a hard one to learn. Especially when what you have lost is someone, not something.

Those who know me may think I reference the ending of my recent relationship. Yes, I guess that would be encompassed. After loving and sharing your life with someone for almost two years, and then suddenly it's over...yeah, that's hard. And it hurts. A lot. But in a lot of ways, I saw it coming. I think I may have even saw it coming before it even began. As much as it sucks, I've been through worse and so I know I will be okay. I don't regret it.

The unknown is honestly more frightening at this point. You ask yourself questions like, "Will anyone ever love me again?" "Will anyone ever cherish me as I do them?" Those are probably silly questions. Losing someone you love because you believed they did not love you as much in return is a pretty huge blow to the self-esteem, and I know it will take time to mend and not see the world as fighting against me all the time.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I was thinking about all the people I've ever been so attached to, only to lose. Friends, lovers...do I try too hard? That's what society seems to say to me. Care about no one, and you'll have all kinds of people knocking at your door. Pfft. Games! I'm not interested in playing them anymore. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately, it gets bruised easily that way. I am determined not to become bitter.

Whatever lesson you may have for me, I want to learn. My arms will stay open. My ears will hear.