Fighting The Feeling

I have long battled the feeling of inadequacy almost on a daily basis. Some days I win, some days I lose. While I understand that this is a feeling that comes up within nearly everyone, it seems to have a particularly vicious hold on my psyche due to my experiences and upbringing. It often impedes my success in work, relationships, and most especially love. I feel like I'm constantly faced with the idea that I'm not enough, and yet I have to wonder if I have subliminally created these situations because I'm broadcasting the feeling. I'm a huge believer in attraction. Ironically, I often deal with the feeling of disappointment because I can't seem to change my frequency, and therefore feel inadequate at changing something I should be able to control.

My latest struggle comes out of the recent end of my year and a half relationship, which I guess is to be expected. While we mutually parted, mostly because of my suggestion, I felt it needed to happen because I did not feel that he felt that I was the one he truly wanted. I almost felt as if he was settling for me, which is a terrible feeling. I didn't know what else to think. He would go days without saying anything to me, and often his way of talking to me was through text message when he did. In the last few months, he never seemed very happy while I was around, or maybe more like he was bored.

We had spoken about the possibility of an open relationship...a conversation I have had with more than one person I've been in a relationship with. I've never had a problem with people who had these kinds of relationships, and I'll admit I have even been curious as to how such a relationship works.

A very interesting book I once read on the subject, entitled The Ethical Slut, changed a lot of my negative perceptions on such a lifestyle. I was very curious, and contemplated actually trying it at some point. Flirted with it. I had the go ahead, I just needed to make the first move. Still, after much thought, I have often felt that it would just never work for me. I have never really had the desire to be with someone else romantically while being involved in a relationship. Even if it was just sexual. Hell, it's hard to even day dream about it. The appeal is just not there for me. Perhaps I'm just too jealous, or possessive, or traditional, or afraid of betrayal. Whatever. Maybe it's just who I am.

Unlike most people these days, I tend to become more attached to someone the longer I'm with them in both friendships and relationships. I'm fiercely loyal, even to my own detriment. I know things can get boring, stale, rough, tough and maybe even volatile...but aren't the good things worth fighting for? I guess recognizing a good thing is the hardest part.

Perhaps my biggest issue with the idea is that I know that if I had agreed to an open relationship, I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons. Because when it comes down to it, deep down to it, I would often tell myself that having an open relationship might be good because someone can't technically cheat on someone if you give them permission to be with someone else. I would think that, okay, whatever they're not getting from me, they could get from someone else, and then maybe they wouldn't leave me because I wasn't enough to make them happy. I'd be doing it for them...not for me. While putting myself in a position where I would be hurting for the sake of another has been easy for me to fall into in the past, I'm trying very hard to take care of myself better than that now. I owe this to the friends who have told me that I'm worth more than that. I thank God and The Universe for them everyday.

To be continued...