Right now I make a living by helping other people feel and look beautiful. It's mildly fulfilling. I like making people feel better about themselves. Still it's so funny to me how people can be so concerned over such small imperfections. Though I suppose I cannot blame them for their concerns. I know all too well just how cruel some people in this world can be to you when you don't reach their expectations. Especially when it comes to physical expectations.
I grew up fat. Not like a little chubby kind of fat....more like obese fat. Growing up in emotional turmoil and insecurity surrounded by unhealthy eating habits made me prone to emotional eating and food addiction. My first memory of preschool is a little boy holding a toy shark and asking me why I was so fat. When I cried about how mean everyone was I was simply given some chocolate milk and told it was going to be alright and people suck. It was a snowball effect. By the time I was 13, I was an adult size 16. At 16 I was a size 20/22. I hated my life. I got jokes, demeaning comments and sometimes even violence from nearly all of my peers. Even the ones who sometimes said they were my friend. To top it off, I couldn't concentrate at school, so I did very poorly. I think even my teachers assumed it was because I was fat. When I became a young adult I understood that the side people showed to me wasn't always the side they showed to other people. As someone who didn't meet society's standards, I got to see some very nasty sides to a lot of people. I was very socially awkward as a result of not only being alienated but also by my sheltered upbringing so...having a winning personality wasn't exactly something I had, either. When someone was kind to me I clung on to them like a fly to flypaper, and that generally didn't go over so well in the long run.
The first time I was able to lose any weight was when I found out that my boyfriend at the time (Sorry excuse for one.) had been seeing my best friend behind my back. One of the only friends I'd ever had a real bond with. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement...I was crushed. And I knew why it happened: It was because I was fat. Because this boyfriend of mine claimed he had feelings for me because of who I was as a person, but the package I came in didn't really fit in with his standards and lifestyle. I know this because basically, he told me. I never met any of his friends, and I knew it was because he didn't want them to know he was dating a fat girl. Had I been thinner, I bet you a million dollars it wouldn't have gone down that way. This thought plagued me...and I just stopped eating. Suddenly what had usually comforted me made me sick to my stomach. Had my self-esteem been better, I would have and should have told him to fuck off a long time ago. I just wasn't there yet.
Over the years, I've lost weight and gained weight and lost it again. I've never been thinner than a size 10, and I got that low by basically starving myself. When guys started actually finding me attractive, I didn't know how to react. I'm sorry to say that I hurt some people by not being able to believe they truly loved me, and I hurt myself by hanging around guys who would only use me because I didn't know how to let someone be good to me. While I consider myself attractive now, I must admit there is always a part of me who is shocked and amazed that someone would actually want to be with me.
Nowadays, I'm about a size 12/14. A size that is the supposed average of most women in America but is still considered fat to a lot of people. Whatever...I'm the most comfortable I've ever been in my skin, but I still would like to get down to an 8. Will I be happy when and if I ever get there? Who can tell. Is it my number one priority? Right now, no it's not. Right now, I'm trying to figure out life and the things that really, truly matter. I realize that being a little thinner will not ultimately give me anything but better looks and that rush we all get when we can fit into the cloths we want. And really, how long would that last?
What I truly want is better health and happiness for my mind, body and soul. This will only come when I'm able to fully accept the idea that the standards of this world are bullshit and meaningless, and that the only things that matter are what you do. I also need to realize that I deserve to take care of myself and let someone love me for who I am...and to be able to recognize that they deserve the same from me. Maybe when this happens, everything else will fall into place.
I hope that I can achieve this. I wish that everyone could. I wish that I could help fix a person's soul, and not just their face.
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